So you’re tired of that crusty brown-stained white plastic Mr. Coffee Deluxe sitting on your kitchen counter doling out lukewarm cups of caffeinated dishwater each morning? Are you looking to upgrade your coffee maker to something more fitting of a man or woman in your position in life? Are you simply rich and stupid and like good coffee? Then why not gather up some of that spare change from under the couch cushions and go out and buy yourself an exorbitantly expensive coffee maker?

Here are a few to choose from…

Vroom, Vroom!

Lamborghini Coffee Maker - $1750 - Sure, you have the Lamborghini watch, the jacket, the coffee mug and the numerous posters with half naked women in European fashion swimsuits tacked up all over your apartment. They go well with your puffy black faux leather couches your halogen stand lamps and your framed Nagel posters. And even though you have plenty of refrigerator magnets, you somehow think your 12 square foot galley kitchen needs just a little more chrome to really impress the swarms of women (or mom and grandmom) when they visit. You need to blow your wad on the only coffeemaker that is known for making high-end Italian sports cars that are prominently featured in B-Movies from the 1980s. Featuring a gear-shift type handle, the Lamborghini logo (etched in shiny chromish steel…duh) and numerous other phallic pipes and tubes, this hand-built machine is perfect for the person who likes to make coffee while wearing driving gloves. Don’t blame me if the coffee ends up tasting like engine oil: it probably is.

Who cares if it makes good coffee? Having this sexy number on your counter almost assures you’ll get lucky with that cute Bohemian Starbucks chick.

Jura-Capresso Coffee Makers - $500-$3300 - For the discerning coffee nerd who doesn’t necessarily want to downshift his coffee maker each morning, the impressive-sounding Impressa line of Jura-Capresso coffee makers is… umm… impressive. The product descriptions includes big, impressive phrases such as “ThermoBlock system”, “two Frothing Systems”, “Claris Filter Burr Grinder Release Tool” and “Measuring Scoop Video.” Yes, some of these machines include a video on how to scoop coffee. You don’t have to be smart, you just have to be rich.

Clover - $11,000 - The Clover Coffee Maker was invented by three Stanford graduates and it allows you to control just about every aspect of making a cup of coffee from water temperature, dose amount and even extraction time. Everything is controlled with a computer and saved in a database so when you finally get that perfect cup of coffee you can save your preferences and come back again and again until the hard drive crashes or there’s some software update that doesn’t work or your Internet connection goes down or hackers break into your coffee maker and starting using it as a porn server or… well, you get the idea. If you want to see one in action, go check out some of the Clover videos on YouTube. Clover’s website actually has a little “Find A Clover” page if you find yourself getting all hot and bothered by the videos. Clover has recently been assimilated by Starbucks, so expect them to screw it up.

I’m think I’m turning Japanese…

Siphon Bar - $20,000 - Sure, lots of professional coffee houses have Clover coffee makers. How about something a bit pricier and more original? How about something that requires talent to use? How about something… Japanese? Why not check out the Siphon Bar, a rather pricey magical machine that requires months of physical training and mountains of mental prowess just to operate? Fire this halogen powered baby up and the lights dim for four city blocks in every direction. While the Clover is all computerized mechanics, the siphon bar is pure Coffee Ninja training requiring a Buddha’s mastery of patience and skill complete with a little bamboo paddle. It could only be more Japanese if it turned into a giant robotic wombat and fired plasma bolts from its belly.

Roasting Plant Javabot - $1,000,000(?) - Maybe crazy Japanese coffee makers aren’t your cup of…coffee. Maybe instead you need a cup o’ joe that was made by a crazy American coffee maker. Then you’ll want to visit New York City’s Roasting Plant and see their unique Javabot. It’s a robotic system that actually wraps around the entire store (so you’re enjoying your coffee inside the coffee maker) and it manages the entire coffee process, from green coffee bean to roasting to grinding to pouring and all the important steps in between. Just like the internet, the entire system is based off tubes that run all over the place. No word on whether or not creator Mike Caswell will be employing Oompa Loompas in the future or letting any more school groups go on factory tours.

There you have it, a list of the world’s most expensive coffee makers!

Of course wouldn’t want to spend all this money and then dump that Folgers crap into one of these machines. Instead you’d want an expensive coffee that’s actually worthy of these machines. You could go to Amazon and order up a 10 pound bag of Jamaica Blue Mountain: Mavis Bank Estate Coffee that hovers around $50 per pound, but then you’d be cheating yourself of one of life’s greatest coffee pleasures: drinking coffee made from poop.

My cat making coffee for you.

Yes, the world’s most expensive coffee is commonly known as Kopi Luwak and its tremendous value comes from fact that all of these coffee beans used for this coffee have been eaten and pooped out by the Asian Palm Civet, a small furry animal that is kind of like a large housecat. The coffee generally sells for anywhere between about $140 - $250 per pound.

This is, of course, completely ridiculous. I would gladly sell the coffee bean poop of my own cat for a mere $80 per pound. His name is Bailey.

When ordering please let me know if you’d like it with or without hairballs.

Technorati Tags: expensive coffee, siphon bar, clover coffee maker, kopi luwak, Lamborghini, giant robot wombat

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Part of the advantage to having a blog which isn’t very popular is being able to “publish” just about anything I want to without actually worrying about how it will be “received” by my readers. I don’t really have any readers, and I certainly don’t expect any other bloggers to read this.

So… here it is for the world to read. A superhero short story. I never bothered giving it a title. I think I will now…

I Never Would Have Done It…

“I never would have done it if I had I known he couldn’t fly,” said the tired young man in the skintight yellow outfit with a giant red ‘V’ splashed across his chest.

Detective Charles Wembley grunted at the statement as he continued to untangle the cord for the small tape recorder in his hand. He separated the mess until it was just long enough to reach the wall outlet and plugged it in. The detective held the machine up to his face and looked carefully at it through his reading glasses. “Dammit,” he muttered as he began rooting through his pockets for a blank tape. He grunted again when he found one in his trench coat that was slung over the back of his chair. The tape slid into the machine half-way and stopped. He pulled it out and put it in the other way and closed the door. Satisfied that the technical work was done for the moment, he looked up and across the table at the only other person in the small police interrogation room.

Detective Wembley saw a lot of wackos around the Christmas season like this, but he rarely saw superheroes hung over from office parties. The detective didn’t know much about this guy except that he was one of the few heroes running around that didn’t wear a mask and didn’t worry about a secret identity. He leaned over to the tape recorder, pressed a button and then sat back.

“Let’s begin with some preliminaries, shall we Mr. - uh - Mr. Vibron, is it?”

“Yes. That’s right. My name is Vibron. I’m the master of vibrations of every sort.”

“Uh-huh,” Detective Wembley nodded looking the bedraggled hero over. The detective blinked a few times. “Umm, Mr. Vibron…”

“Oh, sorry, detective. There’s nothing wrong with your eyes. I’m just vibrating again. Sorry. I guess I don’t even notice when I’m doing it. I know I tend to look a little blurry to normal people.”

Detective Wembley thought he heard a note of contempt on the word “normal.”

“Uh, yeah. Keep it to a minimum, could ya?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Okay then. Let me just ask you exactly what your powers are, just for the record here.”

Vibron rolled his eyes and drooped his head as he began to recite as though he was reading it off and index card, “I am Vibron, master of all vibrations. I can vibrate any part of my body at amazing speeds and produce a number of startling effects. Among these effects are throwing blasts of vibrations, knocking down walls by shaking them to pieces, flying by vibrating the air around me, and producing sonic blasts with my entire body. And because of my special abilities, I can make a mean martini.” Vibron allowed himself a small smile with the last line.

Detective Wembley just nodded, clearly only half-listening himself. “Okay, Mr. Vibron, what is your real name and how did you become a superhero?”

“I was born Mark Anthony Sherman. I got my powers in a freak accident involving an electric toothbrush, a nuclear reactor, and some damn bastard who installed a bathroom doorknob so it could be locked from the outside.”

“Now, now, Mr. Vibron. No need to get excited here.”

“Look, this is all on file at the SuperHuman Records Center. Can we just get on with this? I feel bad for the Amazing Man, but I do have a date tonight.”

“Hmm… You have quite a reputation as a lady’s man, don’t you Mr. Vibron.”

“I can vibrate any, I repeat, ANY part of my body at any speed. You’re the detective, you figure it out.”

The detective blinked at this and smiled. “Nice power you got there,” he agreed.

“You bet, Pops. I’ve been known to make women faint just by walking past them.”

“Okay, okay. That’s enough of that. While I would love to talk to you about how much of a young stud you are, I think I really want to hear about Amazing Man.”

Vibron’s shoulders slouched. “Yeah, okay. Where do I begin? It was a party, ya know? Things got out of hand. All the superheroes in the city thought it would be a good idea if we got together for a Christmas bash. We work hard, you know, and we all really thought we deserved to blow off the steam. Especially after that whole alien invasion in November.”

Wembley nodded, but didn’t say anything.

“So we organized a party in the offices of S.U.P.E.R. and decided to have it today, the last Friday before Christmas. Then we-”

“Wait,” cut in the detective. “What’s S.U.P.E.R.?”

“Oh, that. I’m surprised you hadn’t heard. We’re unionized now. S.U.P.E.R. stands for Superheroes United to Protect Employee Rights. It happened about two years ago and we admit we’re still a little unorganized. We just established the office on the top floor of the Hamilton building in August. So this was our first real organization party. I guess you were there tonight, huh?”

“Yeah, I was one of the investigating officers. Nice place you all have there. Why did you pick the top floor? I mean, 80 stories up is a little inconvenient at times, isn’t it?”

Vibron smiled. “Not when over half your workers can fly. Besides, what better place is there to watch over the city than one of the highest buildings around? It suits us well.”

“Except it didn’t work with Amazing Man,” added the detective.

“Look, I said it was an accident. I wouldn’t have done it if I had known…. really.”

“Just continue with your statement.”

“Okay, okay. The party began at 2 in the afternoon because some of us still had nightwatch. I wasn’t one of them, by the way, so I began drinking fast and heavy. Most of us fell into that pattern. It was one wild party real quickly.”

“How wild? What sort of things were going on?”

“Don’t worry, detective, there weren’t any drugs there. Allergy Man would have picked it up anyway. He’s allergic to all illegal substances, you know. Breaks out in hives if he gets within 50 feet of them. Much better than any drug-sniffing dog. I understand he’s going to be working for the D.E.A. from now on.”

“Anyway, there was just a lot of wild stuff going on. Phlegm Boy and Mucas Man were have a loogie contest out an open window, Invisible Guy was running around lifting up all the skirts of the superheroines, Lazer Lad was trying to light cigarettes from across the room, but he kept missing and burning tiny holes in the walls and furniture. Thunder Dude and Lightning Lady snuck off to have some intimate fun in one of the supply rooms, but everyone knew what they were doing because the entire east side of the building was caught in a nasty hurricane…on the inside. We were all relaxed and having a good time.”

“And most of you were drunk.”

“Yeah. That, too.”

“And what was Amazing Man doing?”

“He and I were sitting in the middle of it all, playing drinking games. He and I didn’t know each other very well until tonight. I never had patrol with him before, but he always seemed like a pretty cool guy. So we got to talking and one thing lead to another and we ended up playing a drinking game called ‘Physical Challenge’… But we played that we had to challenge each other’s powers.”

“How much had you each had to drink at this point?”

“Let’s see, I was flying pretty high, no pun intended, so I’m going to say that I had about 10 bottles of beer. I only drink beer because I need all the calories I can get. My vibrating body burns an average of 10,000 calories a day, you see and-”

“What about Amazing Man?”

“Umm, that’s hard to say because I think he was a little toasted when he arrived, but I know for a fact that he had a least two empty kegs beside him-”

“You’re saying he drank two entire kegs of beer?”

“Not beer, whiskey. The man loves… umm, loved… his SoCo! See, what makes Amazing Man so amazing is that his body is super dense and efficient. He’s fifty times stronger than the normal man and a hundred times as quick. Unfortunately, his metabolism also burned alcohol at an enormous rate. He needed ridiculous amounts of alcohol to get a buzz.”

Detective Wembley shook his head in amazement. “Where did he put it all? I mean, two kegs of whiskey, didn’t he have to…umm.. you know?”

“He was pissing every hour or so. He had a super bladder, so I guess he could hold it a while. A few other superheros were beginning to get angry with him towards the end because every time he went to piss he ended up blowing a hole straight through the urinal and down through several floors. I don’t envy the maintenance people after New Years. I have a feeling that alone might get us evicted.”

Wembley winced at the thought of peeing so hard it tore through several layers of ceramic and cement.

“Anyway, he was pretty tanked because a little earlier he began singing ‘Louie, Louie’ to Kenny G’s ‘Christmas in the Country’ that someone had put on. Thankfully the stereo was promptly destroyed by Witch Woman. I think she cast a spell and turned it into cottage cheese. We had to rely on the radio after that.”

“And then your drinking game began?”

“Umm, yeah. We didn’t get very far, though. He challenged me, first. He bet me I wouldn’t pick up two bottles of beer, shake them as hard as I could, and then hand them to Immersia, Queen of the Water. I had told him earlier that I had a thing for Immersia, you see. Only she doesn’t drink because she believes in some nonsense about beer being impure water.”

“Did you do it?”

“Sort of. I pulled out two beers from the cooler and began shaking them using my vibrating ability, but I just ended up shaking them incredibly fast for a few seconds before one blew up in my hand and the other flew right out of my hand and exploded on the far wall. Amazing Man was rolling on the floor laughing, so I thought I would try it again. And again. And again. I ended up going through a case of beer before Thermo finally came over and pushed me away. A couple of the bottles did crash near Immersia, though, so Amazing Man accepted it.”

“And then it was your turn, right?”

“Yeah, I sat back down and we laughed some more. I had just made one heck of an ass of myself, and I wanted to do the same to him. I was looking around the room for a challenge, when I saw a pigeon land on the ledge outside. We were about 30 feet from the window and I began thinking that even though pigeons aren’t very smart, they are pretty quick.

“‘How fast do you think you are, Amazing Man?’ I asked.

“‘Damn faster than you,’ he replied.

“‘Okay,’ I said. ‘Catch that pigeon that just landed.’”

Vibron stopped for a moment and shook his head. He continued. “So Amazing Man staggered up and try to focus on the pigeon. He gave me a confident smile and a wink and then BANG! he was off like a bullet. One moment he was right in front of me, the next moment he was a blue and red streak running towards the window. The sound of breaking glass startled everyone there, even me. A moment later we heard his distant scream that faded into silence.”

Both men looked down. Vibron went on. “The entire party stopped. All we could see through the window was a purple early evening sky, some broken glass, and a lot of pigeon feathers floating around outside. I’ll admit that I didn’t know exactly what had happened. I thought the scream was just a little joke of his. Honest.”

“What happened next?”

Vibron swallowed. “After about 30 seconds of everyone staring out the window someone mumbled ‘I didn’t know Amazing Man could fly…’

“The irony, of course, is that he couldn’t.”

The superhero broke down and began crying. “I’m sorry, detective, I didn’t know. I didn’t know! He was larger than life! He could throw a baseball twenty miles! When he sneezed he upset major weather patterns! How was I to know he couldn’t fly! Hell, he even wore a red and blue suit like that hot-shot from Metropolis. I just naturally assumed they had the same abilities! I guess I was wrong…”

Detective Wembley shook his head in disgust. “Ya know, you might have put two and two together. You said he was super dense. He couldn’t come close to flying. Christ, kid, we had to use a pound and half of chalk to outline his body. His crater left a four-lane road closed during one of the busiest times of the year. He was super strong and super quick, but not really all that super tough.”

Wembley reached over and pressed a button on the tape recorder and pulled out the little tape. He stood up and walked for the door. Before he left he turned to Vibron who was still sitting and crying.

“Mr. Vibron, I don’t think I’ll be able to charge you with anything because I have a feeling you’re telling the truth. There were plenty of witnesses, and from what I understand your story pretty much matches theirs. You are free to go, Mr. Vibron, but I want you to seriously consider all your actions from this point forward. Do you understand?”

Vibron nodded as the door slammed closed. He shook his head and whispered, “If I had only known…”

Technorati Tags: superhero fiction, short story

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Today I hope to answer the burning question: Do Americans really need an ad campaign featuring a giant living piggy bank to help them save up a few extra pennies?

Benjamin Bankes: Part Pig, Part Pimp, All Pink.

The American Institute of Certified Professional Accountants (AICPA) apparently thinks they do. They’ve teamed up with The Advertising Council (of course!) to develop an entire television and web video ad campaign called FeedThePig.org. The ads feature a human-sized anthropomorphic pig named Benjamin Bankes (played by likable actor Austin Basis) who goes around convincing people to “feed the pig” by spending wisely and giving him some of their cash. So, yes, most of the commercials resemble a surreal scene where people get mugged by giant pigs and yes, it’s all a little confusing. See, the phrase “Feed The Pig” is referring to the act of putting money into a piggy bank. So when you put away some money you’re feeding the piggy bank some cash and, in the process, saving a few dollars.

The “feeding” of the pig is never really shown well. In on commercial coins drop from the sky and automagically sink into his head, in another commercial two women shove money into his pockets and in a third commercial a guy in cube hands over his paycheck. One has to wonder if this is a piggy bank or a drug dealing super pimp sort of a pig. The concept is that whenever you save money or spend wisely you’re giving me to your piggy bank. Yes, it’s a stretch but it works… a little bit.

The commercials are quick and when you first see them and the giant pig really catches your eye… but I don’t know if that’s a good thing. Maybe they were a little too good with the make-up, maybe the concept just doesn’t work or maybe I have some sort of unnatural fear of my bacon being able to chase me down the street and beat me up, but the pig creeps me out, folks. He kind of looks like that cow that talks to Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect and begs to be eaten at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe in the original TV mini-series of The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, doesn’t he? Oh, go Google it.

The Feed The Pig website is big on style and short on substance. The front page introduces us to “ourselves” as we look at our financial mirror and gives us this little nugget: “You now have the second highest rate of personal bankruptcy in the nation.”

Umm… What? How can I as an individual have the second highest rate of personal bankruptcy in the nation? Compared to what? My neighbor? The world? This year? This month? Huh?

Like most financial websites, there are a couple calculators (a Lunch Savings Calculator and a Credit Card Payoff Calculator), plenty of money saving tips, an email newsletter, an archive of the current videos and a few financial articles and links that mostly seem to come from the much more useful 360 Financial Literacy website also put together by the AICPA. You can download if you can’t get enough of the Mr. Benjamin Bankes. Personally, I could.

Are the commercials edgy and eye-catching? Yes. Are they entertaining? Sure. Will they convince me to save more money? I don’t know about that. Apparently everyone doesn’t agree with me, though. The commercials have won a number of awards (proving that advertising people mostly excel at giving themselves awards) and the AICPA has all sorts of Feed The Pig links, including a “behind the scenes” video, some financial reports about spending amongst young people and even some Feed The Pig merchandise which, thankfully, only includes drawn logos and not photos of Senior Porky himself.

These trinkets and items for sale convincingly prove that accountants are really heartless robots from another planet sent here on mission to secretly enslave us all. The entire ad campaign is based on smart spending and proper savings but the AICPA still offers a bunch of crappy overpriced coffee mugs, wall clocks and mouse pads which pretty much defines the idea of stupid spending. Apparently the AICPA is only against stupid spending when they aren’t the ones parting you from your cash.

With this stagnant economy it’s only a matter of time before some bonehead in Washington advocates “jump starting” the economy by having us all go out and spend all our money. If you save money by feeding the pig then you logically withdraw money by slaughtering the pig.

These commercials are creepy enough without seeing that…

Technorati Tags: feed the pig, saving money, accountants on LSD

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