My wife and I find ourselves watching the HGTV show called House Hunters which is a pseudo reality show that follows someone as he or she looks at three different houses for sale and ultimately ends up buying one of the three homes. It’s one of those shows you never actively sit down to watch, but you always find yourself watching when nothing else is on.
The formulaic House Hunters first introduces us to the people who are looking to buy a house for the usual reasons: sick of renting, have a growing family, moving to another city, clearly got some sort of inheritance and want to blow it. Then the show follows the prospective buyer while he, she or it walks through three different homes with a real estate agent during which they all amuse themselves by making somewhat scripted comments about the home. At the end of the show the buyers pick on of the three homes and we get to see the person a few months after he or she has moved in.
House Hunters is basically a heavily edited and poorly scripted reality show with a tiny bit of voyeurism thrown in as we are shown the inside of homes we’d never normally get to see inside of. It’s paced slowly and the comments are fairly predictable, which makes it a show that simply begs the viewer to perform his or her own Mystery Science Theater 3000 all over it. Which, from what I can tell, most viewers do.
Did I mention that this is one of the more popular shows on HGTV?
The show was originally hosted by Suzanne Whang, who was supposedly a fairly talented comedian and actress, though you couldn’t tell by the crappy lines the writers force her to choke out, “Will Rod and Randy be able to find a home that meets their needs…and the needs of their dogs Trixie and Mixie?”
If you watch this show long enough you become amazingly acute to the House Hunters formula you begin to actually say the lines before the buyers on the screen can even spit them out. This sort of rote TV watching rots the brain and the only thing that can counter brain rot at this order of magnitude is a lot of alcohol.
So here, without further ado, is the…
House Hunters Drinking Game
The rules are simple. Sit down on the couch with copious amounts of your drink of choice and turn to HGTV as House Hunters begins. Drink responsibly and I’m not liable for anything There, I said it. Here’s what you do:
- Take a drink whenever you hear the House Hunters doorbell. Take two drinks if it rings in a House Hunters commercial that is running during the House Hunters show.
- Take a drink whenever someone says they like to “entertain.”
- Take a drink whenever someone says a room will “have to updated!”
- Take two drinks if that room is more updated than your own home.
- Take a drink whenever someone acts as though they don’t want to buy a home because of the paint color or light fixtures currently in the home.
- Take a drink whenever someone looks into a large closet and then says, “Where will you put YOUR clothes?”
- Take a drink whenever someone acts shocked to learn the price of a home.
- Take a drink whenever someone feels the need to sit in a bathtub while walking through a home.
- Take a drink whenever the Realtor puts a positive spin on a serious home flaw. No running water? “No need to worry about plumbing repairs!”
- Take a drink whenever someone mentions granite counter tops.
- Take a drink whenever someone uses the word “space” instead of calling it a bedroom/kitchen/haunted basement, etc.
- Take a drink whenever the three homes shown have a price difference of over $100,000.
- Take a drink if you guess the house the person buys before the big “reveal” at the end.
- Take a drink when the buyers have basically gutted the house and rebuilt it from the inside out six months after moving in.
- Take a drink when the closing scene begins with a close up of someone cutting up food and then zooms out to see the happy couple in their new kitchen.
- Take a drink whenever there’s a new baby in the family.
- Take a drink if they couple added a dog to their family instead of a baby.
- Take two drinks when the couple with the new baby is gay.
- Take a drink whenever someone watching the show with you says, “I heard this was totally faked!” Of course it’s fake. It’s television. If you’ve ever looked for a home yourself you know it doesn’t involve a lot of smiles and witty comments and sitting in dirty bathtubs.
By the end of the 30 minute show you should be thoroughly enjoying the house hunting process, blind, or looking for a new home yourself.
And, remember: this is just a television show. You should never, under any circumstances, buy a home while under the influence of alcohol.